


Five Things That Never Happened to Shania Clemmons and Bryan Collins

by wintercreek



Category: The New Normal
Genre: Crack, Gen, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 06:07:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintercreek/pseuds/wintercreek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1. Flight<br/>2. Transformation<br/>3. Wonderment<br/>4. Soulbonding<br/>5. Exchange</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things That Never Happened to Shania Clemmons and Bryan Collins

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Rainbowrites for betaing, and for telling me first that it wasn't possible to write anything crackier than canon ... and then that I had.

**1\. Flight**

"Bryan?" Shania says.

"Yes?" Bryan calls back absently. He's in the middle of designing a new reality show/competition about actors who are desperate to get on Sing. _How can I make it seem show-relevant for them to duel with pool noodles?_

"Bryan," Shania says more insistently. "I need to talk to you about this godmother thing."

_Maybe I can tell them we're working on a Star Wars tribute episode of Sing. Yeah, that should work. And attract more of the nerd demographic._ "Okay, honey, what is it?" he sighs, scribbling down "Star Wars tribute ep?" and looking up. And up. And up. Shania is floating near the apex of the vaulted ceiling.

She gives him a tired look. "I didn't think you meant it this way. The FAIRY way."

Bryan knows his mouth is hanging open unattractively; he closes it. "I didn't, unless we're talking about taking pejoratives and reclaiming them through humor. But that would make you more of a godmother for the child of fairies, not a fairy godmother."

"So what gives?" Shania turns herself, hand-over-hand on the ceiling, until she's pointed downward. She kicks off the beam nearest to her and swims through the air, coming to a landing on Bryan's leather couch.

Bryan peers upward, checking the ceiling for shoeprints.

"Bryan." Shania stands up and steps toward him. As she takes her second step, she begins to float again. Her forward momentum carries her toward the desk as she rises.

Bryan grabs her by the ankle. "Now hang on there," he says sternly. "No floating on the ceiling, you hear?" He points his finger at her for emphasis like the guy on the Free Credit Rating Today commercials does. "There, was that dad-like? David says I don't have a very parental persona, so I've been practicing."

"It was very ... commanding. Too bad it didn't work." Shania shrugs, her mouth pressed into a wry smile.

"Huh." Bryan lets go of her ankle and immediately grabs for it again when it's clear that Shania is, indeed, still flying. "Maybe we should review. Did anything unusual happen in your day today?"

"Well, I did make a new friend. But when she said she transferred from Hogwarts, I thought she meant she was an extra in a Harry Potter film. She asked me what was interesting about me, and I told her I was going to be a godmother." Shania frowns. "I guess she wanted to help the process along."

"And this is why you never trust anyone who's not in SAG," Bryan says, shaking his head.

**2\. Transformation**

"Shania, when did you get so tall?" Bryan asks. "And when did I get so itchy?" He sits down and gives himself a good scratch, hoping Shania will take the hint and scritch behind his ears. "Wait. I'm sitting on the floor, scratching myself. With my foot." He looks back up at Shania. "Does this seem weird to you?"

Shania pats his head. "Good boy," she says. "I don't know where David keeps the treats, but I did see a tennis ball in the courtyard so maybe we could play for a while. You don't know where Bryan is, do you?"

Bryan sighs heavily. "I'm a dog. I ... How could this happen?" He cocks his head at Shania. "Did you say 'ball?'"

**3\. Wonderment**

"Everyone but Shania, cover your eyes. I can't have your uncleanliness ruining my magical moment."

"Yes, Jane," Bryan calls. He puts his hands over his face, positioning his fingers just right so he can peek between them.

David flops on to the couch next to him. "They're covered, Mrs. Forrest."

"Me too, Nana," Goldie calls from the barstool at the kitchen counter.

Shania jumps up and down. Bryan narrowly refrains from giving her a grin. He loves Shania's enthusiasm but he can't afford to give away that he's peeking.

The door creaks as someone, almost certainly Jane, pulls it open wider. "Now, Shania, this is a _very_ special visitor for you," she singsongs.

"Oh, wow," Shania says. "Where's my phone? I _have_ to tweet this."

Bryan gives in to his curiosity and turns his head. Jane will think he's following the sound and not cheating, he's pretty sure. "Holy shit!" There's a unicorn standing in the doorway. _Oh well, I've blown my cover now._ Bryan drops his hands. "A _unicorn?_ Where did you find it? It must be a total myth that they're drawn to virgins if you found one in LA."

"Don't be silly," Jane says, smiling in that nasty-pretty way of hers. "I found it on the beach at Santa Monica, about to make a break for it into the ocean. Good thing I was driving a Land Rover today. Those things really can transport anything you want."

Bryan raises an eyebrow. "And it came willingly?"

"After I used the tranq gun I keep on hand for overly insistent panhandlers, yes. It was quite docile about the whole thing." Jane shrugs. "I think it was grateful to get off that beach."

"What are you talking about? Can I open my eyes now?" David asks, exasperated.

"No," Bryan says. "You really don't want to see what it's doing on our kitchen floor. Trust me."

**4\. Soulbonding**

_Ugh, David, I could not care less about your hang-ups and anxieties when it comes to baby proofing. Just fire that irritating woman already._

David turns and gives Bryan a quizzical look. Bryan quickly flashes his best patient smile back and feigns attention to the latest horrific demonstration by what's-her-face the baby proofer from hell.

_Just twenty more minutes. I can make it. And then I can sneak out to In-N-Out "on my way to the studio" and redeem this wasted afternoon._

"Bryan!" David says. "Do you know what's in those burgers?"

"Deliciousness," Bryan replies. "Wait, what? Why are you talking about burgers? Which burgers? What?"

David scowls. "Because I can _hear you_."

_You can hear me?_ Bryan thinks.

"Stop that," David says. "I don't know when you picked up ventriloquism, but you're not going to use it to distract me. How often do you go to In-N-Out when you've told me you're going to work?"

"I'm not doing ventriloquism," Bryan hisses. "You're eavesdropping on my thoughts."

"Whoops!" cries the world's most useless woman. "While you were having your marital spat, your baby fell down and—"

"That's it!" Bryan yells, suddenly able to feel a wave of panic that's not his own - must be David's - as she starts to detail another horrendous death. "You're fired. Get out of our house." He turns her around, puts both hands on her shoulders, and pushes her along in front of him until she's out the door.

David's face is stern as Bryan turns the lock, but the emotion coming off of him is relief. "Bryan, you can't just fire—"

"Yes, I can. She's bad for you, David. She's making you frantic about things that probably won't happen."

"I— You're right." David smiles sheepishly. "It is a relief to have her gone."

Bryan holds his arms out, and David steps into them. "I know this is scary," Bryan says into David's hair, "but we'll figure it out together."

"Yeah, we always do," David says. And Bryan can hear him think, _I love you so much. How did I get so lucky?_

"It's because I have excellent taste," he whispers. "Now maybe we should figure out why we're hearing each other's thoughts and feelings?"

Shania sticks her head through the door and sees them embracing. "Yes!" she cheers. "Just like I read about. Soulbonding saves another relationship." She runs out of the house, yelling, "Mom! Guess what I did?!"

Bryan and David exchange glances.

"Oh god, we've got to stop her before she opens up a marriage counseling office," Bryan says.

"Yes, she could singlehandedly bring down the divorce rate in Los Angeles County, and then you'd lose half your gossip," David deadpans.

Bryan pulls a face. "More like three-quarters."

Disgruntled, David says, "There's probably also an ethical component to messing around with people's brains."

"Yeah, yeah." Bryan looks right at David and thinks, _But we might as well get some fun out of it._

"I guess we can talk to Goldie at dinner." David takes Bryan's hand. _Bedroom?_

Bryan grins. _I like the way you think._

**5\. Exchange**

"Whoa."

Bryan looks up at the sound of his own voice. Which is weird, because he's not talking.

"It can't be good for a person to wear pants this tight," the person who sounds like Bryan but cannot be Bryan continues.

Seriously, this person even _looks_ like Bryan. But taller, and maybe a little skinnier. Bryan decides he hates him, and also that he immediately needs to befriend him and steal all his weight-loss secrets. He stands up to get a better angle and he's thrown by the sensation; suddenly his legs are much shorter than they should be. And, he sees as he looks down at himself, clad in pink leggings.

"Shania! We swapped bodies! It's just like Freaky Friday, but not that travesty with Lindsay Lohan. The classic version, with the young Jodie Foster."

Shania-in-Bryan's-body looks blankly back at him.

"Okay, we have _got_ to do something about your cultural education." Bryan sighs.

"Should we ... do something about this?" Shania asks.

It is supremely weird to hear Shania's careful cadence coming out of his mouth, using his normally brisk voice. Bryan shrugs. "Do we know how it happened?"

"Uh," Shania answers.

"So, no then. I don't know what we'd do exactly. I think we ought to wait for David to get home - he's a doctor, he knows all about fixing body stuff." Bryan sits back down. "But that won't be for a few hours."

Shania comes over to sit next to him. "What are we going to do until then?"

Bryan grins. It probably doesn't look devilishly handsome on a ten-year-old's face, but not even that thought can dim his glee. "We're going to the Sing set, and you're going to hide my body in my office while I wander around as you and find out what my cast and crew _really_ think of me."

"Can I play Angry Birds?"

"Sweetie, what do you think _I_ do in my office? Of course you can." Bryan gets up and reaches for his car keys. "Now how am I going to reach the pedals? Or avoid getting pulled over, ugh." He turns back to Shania. "You'd better do this part, since you have my voice. I'll coach you through it. We're going to call the car service, because while you'll have to learn to drive someday, it's not going to be today. Not with my body, not in my car, not while you're still technically ten years old."

"I'm almost ten and a half," Shania points out.

Bryan waves a hand. "Regardless. Everyone should know how to order a car, anyway. Oh, this is going to be fascinating."

"Bryan, I have to pee," Shania says.

"Well that's ... no. Absolutely not." Bryan purses his lips, thinking. "Uh, maybe we _should_ call David now."


End file.
